Handling Holiday Grief: Tips for Taking Care of Yourself Through the Season

"The new year tomorrow is making you feel further away than before. We are entering our first year without you in it. How is that possible? I love you and miss you.” 12/31/2020.

These are the words I wrote in my informal journal—my notes app where I keep the things I want to tell my dad—after my family and I celebrated our first holiday season after his death. That season was surreal; everything felt different, yet there was this strong pull to be together, to hold onto our family traditions even more tightly, to continue his legacy and make sure his role in my family was not forgotten. Grief during the holidays can be filled with this strange sense of disconnect. The world feels like it’s moving on, all lights, laughter, and togetherness, while you’re missing what once was and longing for that empty seat to be filled again.

I've found that during this time, small, meaningful steps can help bring grace and self-compassion—tools that don’t need to be grand but that can offer a little bit of grounding. In moments when it feels like too much, small ways to care for yourself can make space to honor your grief alongside the season.

1. There’s No “Right Way” to Feel

Grief during the holidays is a mixed bag—some moments may bring warmth, while others feel heavy with sorrow. Approach each day with curiosity. Take each day as it comes, check in with yourself, without any pressure to ‘fix’ your feelings or emotions. Give yourself quiet moments to sit in the presence of your grief, and permission to shift depending on how you feel that day, that hour, or that moment. Giving space to all your feelings, even the tough ones, can help you honor both yourself and your grief this season.

2. Give Yourself the Permission to Support You

The holidays often bring social gatherings and family expectations that can feel daunting. Reflect on what feels right for you—whether it’s being with loved ones, choosing solitude, or mixing the two. Setting boundaries is an act of self-compassion, allowing you to honor both your grief and your energy. You might decide to attend gatherings with the option to leave early or set aside days dedicated to rest. Communicate these needs as best you can, and remember that it’s okay if others don’t fully understand or if you change your mind in the moment—your emotional well-being comes first.

3. Incorporate Self-Care and Nervous System Regulation

When grief meets the stress of the holidays, your nervous system can feel overstimulated or depleted. Integrating small, intentional practices for self-care can help you feel more grounded. Here are a few simple techniques to calm your nervous system in moments of increased stress and stimulation:

   - Breathwork: A minute or two of deep, slow breathing can signal to your nervous system that it’s safe to relax. Try the 4-7-8 method: inhale for 4 counts through the nose, hold for 7, and exhale for 8 slowly through your mouth.

   - Get Outside: Grief can leave us feeling stuck. A short walk, some fresh air, or a change of scenery can help move energy through your body and lift your mood, even if just a little.

   - Sensory Self-Care: Engage your senses to help soothe your system. Warm baths, drinking a warm cup of tea, listening to calming music, or lighting a favorite candle can bring comfort and a sense of presence. 

   - Practice Mindfulness: Allow yourself a few minutes each day to sit with your feelings without judgment, simply observing whatever arises. This practice builds a gentle resilience, helping you respond to difficult emotions with compassion and openness.

4. Consider New or Modified Traditions

Traditions can be comforting or too much to handle. Reflect on whether any can be adjusted to meet you where you are. A small act like lighting a candle in remembrance or taking a moment of silence may feel right. Give yourself permission to skip or simplify traditions that feel heavy this year. Remember, what you do this year can always change next year as your grief shifts and changes within you.

5. Seek Connection and Support

Grief is personal, but it doesn’t have to be solitary. Sharing your journey—whether with friends, family, support groups, or a counselor—can bring a sense of connection that is incredibly healing, especially in a culture that often struggles to support the grieving. Being around others also helps create coregulation for your nervous system. If spending time with people you know feels overwhelming, even sitting in a coffee shop or on a park bench can offer a similar coregulation effect, giving you a gentle, supportive energy from the world around you.

6. Hold Space for Self-Compassion

Grief isn’t predictable, and painful memories might arise unexpectedly. Be kind to yourself, self-compassion is a powerful tool in finding moments of peace and acceptance amid sorrow. When you feel overwhelmed, give yourself permission to pause, to breathe, and to release any expectation that you should be feeling something different than what you are. 

If you or someone you love could use additional support, please reach out to me. I offer in-person sessions at True North Acupuncture here in Denver and would be honored to walk alongside you, creating a safe, understanding space for every part of your grief journey, especially during these emotionally layered seasons.

Warmly, Erica your Denver grief and loss counselor